Through a series of dilemmas, faulty judgement, unconscious behaviour, negative criticism, the awakening journey creating a disconnect in a marriage, lack of family support due to misplaced desire to live where we pleased (because of globalisation and ease of travel), hedonism, selfish focus, greed, and plain ignorance in having a child at a late age, I am afraid the ground plan my daughter's father and I laid for her take-off in life did not turn out as expected.
The consequences went far deeper than I could ever have imagined...
She suffered pedophilia by both father and stepfather, anorexia starting at about age 9, this mental illness morphing into deeply disturbing anxiety disorder, dropping out of school 2 years before graduation, unable to get out of bed for days at a time, migraines, lack of will for life, lack of direction, refusal to live within normal parameters, refusal to put any effort into life, and insistence on calling herself dumb, and a couple of episodes of self-harm. Yet I know she has a highly developed psychic ability, the best intuition in anyone I have ever met - infallibly right - plus an ability to heal others spontaneously, a high IQ, strategic thinking, and the looks of a model. She has passed through months and even years of external advisers (pill pushing psychiatrists, counsellors, dieticians) and she has come to have a disdain for them all.
I had to look at where I didn't set strict enough boundaries, about where I led her as a young child into danger because of my penchant for "spiritual" men and allowing 2 of them into my life in marriage. Throughout the life we have led since then, where I now care for her as an unemployed single mother in my late 50's and she very dependent on me like a young child, I have had to really accept the fact that I have a child with a mental illness. That this is all engulfing and time-consuming and is an out of control roller-coaster ride.
We have resisted taking any psychiatric medication, which has chilling zombie side effects. To this day I am pleased we stood our ground and she has fought her way through everything with just her strength of will, backed up by me.
I have just spent half an hour perusing her Facebook, she recently trusted me enough to give me this favour, of course on the proviso I don't make comments, even if I see things I don't agree with. I take up those issues with her, such as changing her profile picture. She did change it, though the new one is just as provocative. I have plenty of talks with her, but I have realised she just picks up what suits her, and she mind-filters out all the rest. She really is hell-bent on making her own mistakes, even in disastrous ways.
2 nights ago she attended a mid-week teen party in our local area. I drove her and 2 friends to this party, and also collected her again when called (10:30pm). The schools and TAFE are on term leave, so at least one party was a given. However, cops were called by neighbours to this party, and a mob of about 100 teenagers left the party (I saw them as I approached to collect mine) and caused havoc throughout the suburb right up until they reached the railway station. This was broadcast on 2 national television stations. The issue was under-age drinking. My daughter didn't drink, her one friend who did was 18 (over age), and I collected them well before midnight. However, where were the parents of the other 100 who mobbed the suburb?
In order to have a child to still bring up, by which I mean she has not attempted suicide (quite a few of her age-group have) I have needed to prioritise the care-giving, downsize houses twice, and live hand-to-mouth on benefits. However, in the midst of all this, awakening and higher life still unfolds, everything feels like it was meant, and we are coming up over the crest of the hill. We are going to make it!
Although we have been through the obvious cesspit of divorce (lawyers, property and child matters), I can still have a convivial conversation with her father, and although my daughter had her own negative experiences in that camp, she can still phone him and see him for short periods of time.
I have never negated my spiritual experiences which have been life-long, and are what I primarily identify with. But the decision to have child late in life (hitting 40) was perhaps an under-baked idea, and certainly not well-researched. I love her dearly, but she has been my most poignant lesson to date.
The consequences went far deeper than I could ever have imagined...
She suffered pedophilia by both father and stepfather, anorexia starting at about age 9, this mental illness morphing into deeply disturbing anxiety disorder, dropping out of school 2 years before graduation, unable to get out of bed for days at a time, migraines, lack of will for life, lack of direction, refusal to live within normal parameters, refusal to put any effort into life, and insistence on calling herself dumb, and a couple of episodes of self-harm. Yet I know she has a highly developed psychic ability, the best intuition in anyone I have ever met - infallibly right - plus an ability to heal others spontaneously, a high IQ, strategic thinking, and the looks of a model. She has passed through months and even years of external advisers (pill pushing psychiatrists, counsellors, dieticians) and she has come to have a disdain for them all.
I had to look at where I didn't set strict enough boundaries, about where I led her as a young child into danger because of my penchant for "spiritual" men and allowing 2 of them into my life in marriage. Throughout the life we have led since then, where I now care for her as an unemployed single mother in my late 50's and she very dependent on me like a young child, I have had to really accept the fact that I have a child with a mental illness. That this is all engulfing and time-consuming and is an out of control roller-coaster ride.
We have resisted taking any psychiatric medication, which has chilling zombie side effects. To this day I am pleased we stood our ground and she has fought her way through everything with just her strength of will, backed up by me.
I have just spent half an hour perusing her Facebook, she recently trusted me enough to give me this favour, of course on the proviso I don't make comments, even if I see things I don't agree with. I take up those issues with her, such as changing her profile picture. She did change it, though the new one is just as provocative. I have plenty of talks with her, but I have realised she just picks up what suits her, and she mind-filters out all the rest. She really is hell-bent on making her own mistakes, even in disastrous ways.
2 nights ago she attended a mid-week teen party in our local area. I drove her and 2 friends to this party, and also collected her again when called (10:30pm). The schools and TAFE are on term leave, so at least one party was a given. However, cops were called by neighbours to this party, and a mob of about 100 teenagers left the party (I saw them as I approached to collect mine) and caused havoc throughout the suburb right up until they reached the railway station. This was broadcast on 2 national television stations. The issue was under-age drinking. My daughter didn't drink, her one friend who did was 18 (over age), and I collected them well before midnight. However, where were the parents of the other 100 who mobbed the suburb?
In order to have a child to still bring up, by which I mean she has not attempted suicide (quite a few of her age-group have) I have needed to prioritise the care-giving, downsize houses twice, and live hand-to-mouth on benefits. However, in the midst of all this, awakening and higher life still unfolds, everything feels like it was meant, and we are coming up over the crest of the hill. We are going to make it!
Although we have been through the obvious cesspit of divorce (lawyers, property and child matters), I can still have a convivial conversation with her father, and although my daughter had her own negative experiences in that camp, she can still phone him and see him for short periods of time.
I have never negated my spiritual experiences which have been life-long, and are what I primarily identify with. But the decision to have child late in life (hitting 40) was perhaps an under-baked idea, and certainly not well-researched. I love her dearly, but she has been my most poignant lesson to date.